Tuesday, November 4, 2014

A heavy heart




I honestly don't even know where to begin. I don't know what I even want to write about right now but what I do know is I need to vent and I need to just start writing. 

Life has been so good lately.  This quarter of school has just started a few weeks ago and I did great on my first two exams. I was so proud of myself. I could say I have been the happiest iv felt in  a very long time. I feel like myself.. like we have found a good balance and I am ok.  The kids and I have been doing well with adjusting to our new very early morning schedule and Landon Lee is doing amazing in school. That boy  enjoys his friends and teachers so much,  Watching him grow into such an amazing sweet young little boy has been so unbelievably amazing and rewarding.  I am beyond proud to be his mommy.

Ellie girl is doing great!  She still is  a little feisty and energetic sweet baby girl. Ellie will push and test people to the max and immediately grab your nose  with the biggest smile on her face as her way of saying  I am sorry :( . 

It always seems as if I finally feel like  I can take  deep breath and say ok we can do this.... life throws you some curves balls you weren't expecting...
My life is so busy joggling work, two kids alone, and  full time nursing student in  an accelerated program that I have put a few things in the back of my mind that I had refused to allow me to lose my focus or my  drive.   Today all those emotions that I have stuffed and tried to forget and let go of just came bursting out of me.  I sat at my best friends kitchen table and just completely lost it.  I grabbed the phone and called my sweet dad and I couldn't even get a word out when i heard his voice.. all I could do was just cry and cry and cry..., I finally was able to utter the words " I just cant do this any more dad... I cant fight this I cant keep fighting " ... that's exactly how I feel sometimes... I feel like I am just surviving... I am fighting through everyday to keep everything together and to keep everyone happy ... things fall through the cracks... Landon's permission slip for his field trip gets turned in late,  we run out of diapers and have to go to the store last minute, the house isn't spotless,  I fail an exam, I have a battle with a 5 year old at 10 minutes until bus is due to come over the fact that he suddenly hates all 5 pairs of shoes in his closet and cant possibly wear any of them...  all of these things I can live with... its part of being  a mom and really a human being.. you cant possibly do it all. no one can.  But what I absolutely cant  deal with or live with is this anger and this hurt inside of me.  As a mother I will never understand how or why anyone who wants to call themselves a parent could be so selfish and attempt to mess with a child's life and security.  Tonight I sit here with my heart completely and utterly shattered in a  million pieces not for me but for my sweet girl . As a mom you want to fight for them when you feel that someone clearly doesn't have your child best interest at heart... I more than anything want to just plead my case and be Ellie's voice... I want to be her strength and I will be her Voice and I will fight for her.

 I will never ever forget people telling me that  I was "lucky" that Landon's dad wasn't in his life... or that I never had to fight in court or go through any sort of battle over him in court.. he merely just went away. I never ever could possibly understand how anyone could think that we were "lucky" . I remember thinking how the hell is Landon lucky that he doesn't know who his father is... how am I lucky that I am raising this child alone?  how is that lucky?  well now I get it.  Landon's dad did us a favor.  He was in  a bad  place... his addiction wouldn't allow him to be a father or to be someone that needed to be in  a child's life. He knew that, we all knew that. We all had to accept it and move on with our  lives without him. It truly was one of the hardest times in my life to lost someone I thought was my best friend.  He never once tried to hurt us in anyways. He never once tried to come into Landon's life when he knew he wasn't ready....in a weird and honest way I have respect for that.  I am very thankful for that.  He didn't want to cause us anymore heart ache or pain than he had already caused. He never tried to come in and out of Landon's life only to cause more damage than good. I am grateful for that.

  Landon has many pictures of his dad and  he knows he has a father. We have discussed this due to him seeing Ellie have her Father come around a couple of  times since she was born. He didn't  understand why she has a father and he didn't. I had to explain to Landon that Yes he does have a dad and I showed him pictures that I am so grateful I kept for him. It was easier for me to help Landon relate to his dad by explaining that he is sick. Similar to Uncle Ryan (my brother). Landon unfortunately was very close to Ryan and has somewhat of  an understanding (as much as a 5 year old can) of Ryan's  struggle and of Ryan being sick,  making poor choices and that with those choices consequences come along.  I made sure to tell Landon that it wasn't his fault. His dad loves him he just isn't able to be the dad that Landon would need.  It was the one conversation I had dreaded for years and had rehearsed over and over in my head how and what I would say and when I would say it. I always said I would be honest as age appropriately honest as a I could be to Landon.  I am praying that  I handled it the right way for a 5 year old. I just plan to always answer whatever questions he may have and it helps that we have such a great relationship with Landon's aunt who is his dads sister.  He will always know where he came from and that he is so beyond loved. I vowed to never utter a negative word  about his father to him.  With all of  that being said, Landon would have had way more heartache and questions IF his father had selfishly chose to walk in and out of his life... I cant imagine the pain a child has from the roller coaster of emotions that I would assume comes along with a parent who walks in and out or comes around when its good for them or someone who attempts to have the child come into their life instead of the parent coming into the child's life, and adjusting to the needs of the child.  I has to be hard as a parent to watch your child go through that and I cant imagine the lasting effects of that type of parent child relationship. 

I want to protect my daughter and my son from that.  I want stability for both of them. I don't want to fight and I sure as hell will not fight over a child. I want Ellie to have what Landon didn't have the chance to have... I never wanted to ever take that away from her EVER!! That has actually been the opposite of what I wanted for her and I have fought and fought for Ellie to have that from day one. I have done everything in my power, but at the end of the day it is not in my control.   The roller coaster of emotions and the back and forth that I have been dealing with regarding my own fight has bee draining as a mother and emotionally traumatizing to say the least.  I have done everything I possibly could have done to make things better. To make things blow over and to be the best mom I can be and make the best choices for my child and yet I still am not done fighting for her. I have to be her voice because she doesn't have one in all of this.  I am praying that my voice is strong enough  to finally stand up and fight for what my family and I truly believe to be what is best for this little girl.  we have been drugged through  the ringer over and over again , we have bent over backwards to accommodate and to give into everything that has been asked of us to allow Ellie to have what Landon doesn't have in his life... yet it never was good enough. You cant walk away from the responsibility of parenthood and a child. ITs not OK! a child's bond and respect and love now needs to be earned and that will take a lot of work, sacrifice and commitment.  I wish this came naturally to people but clearly it doesn't.  My heart is so heavy tonight and filled with so many emotions. I am crying for this sweet little girl and I am angry... in a way angry at myself as well... angry that once again I brought another child into this world with someone that wasn't ready and I brought them into this broken relationship. I find myself feeling so guilty about that, and doing anything I can to make up for that everyday. I have to find my strength and my voice to speak up for what is right. I feel completely helpless right now and all I can do is just hold my babies a little tighter and  Pray that everything works out in the best interest of the child that is the goal of all of this nonsense.

My love and prayers to anyone who has gone through this which I know I am not the first one but It sure feels very lonely. 

Saturday, September 20, 2014

the story

I woke up this morning feeling so relieved! I have officially finished my 1st quarter back in nursing school!  I can truly say that the last three months have been extremely hard for me and I had times where I honestly didn't know if I was going to make it but here  I am!  I still have a long road ahead but I am pretty darn proud of myself :)

I have a lot of people in my life who love the kids and I and support us with everything they have but I also have a few who doubt me which just pushes me even harder.

Everyone has a story. Everyone has a path they take that makes them who they are. For me my path has been a little rocky to say the least. I have been through times that I honestly didn't think I.could survive, moments where all I could do was just cry and pray that this chapter would soon pass. The brokenness I felt when jesse and I broke up, getting pregnant with my ellie girl and thinking how in the hell can I raise two kids alone... having to live with the guilt of knowing how much I disappointed my parents yet again. We all.have things that happen to us that help mold us into who we are. For me I feel I am one strong ass girl because of the decisions I have made and having to live and truly live with those consequences and choices.
I feel like lately I have been judged by others before they even get to know me. I had an opportunity to tell a little of my story the other day to a stranger who I happened to run into st the store. This person I noticed had Rheumatoid like my momma so I was helping her with her bags and that's when I noticed her hands. We got to chatting about my mom and I was able to share my.moms.journey and struggle with this horrible disease and it led into my life growing up with a parent who was battling a chronic disease and how that effected me as a child. Things like How it changed my expectations in men due to seeing my dad become such an amazing, loyal, faithful, and strong husband and father . She looked at me and said " do you have a man by your side hunny?" I explained how i was a single.mom raisi ng two kids alone and how my dad has stepped in as that role for my precious babies, she said " you will never settle for.less now" she is so right. I will never settle for less than what these kids and i deserve. I got me thinking how i so badly want God to send me that right person for us, that partner, that best friend to walk through this crazy journey with us. Times I feel like I might not deserve that or I'll never be good enough or pretty enough or how why would anyone want to take on a girl and two kids right? She said " trust me sweetie God has a plan for you and your heart will be stolen before you know it". I praying she is right lol. I  also explained how I grew up watching my mom basically living in chronic pain, constant surgeries and falls, infections like MRSA, 3rd stage liver failure, bipolsr disorder, severe depression, drug dependancy, and how I never understood how someone could hurt so bad physically and mentally yet still wake up everyday. Telling this lady my story and just a glimpse into my world helped me realize how strong I am and how inspiring my journey and story is. This lady was brought to tears and told me how she will never complain another second about her pain because she was just diagnosed in her 60s, she had her time she said without the pain of this disease unlike my mom who was diagnosed at 19 years old. She prayed with me when I told her it is always in the back of my.mind that most likely this crippling disease could hit me too. Ib had symptoms thst could possibly be indicators of it for a few years now that only a few people.like.my parents and a few friends know but I won't get tested for it anytime soon. My.mom was.robbed of so many things yet she still loves her life the best she can. That right there gives me strength. So many people are so fast to.judge others. They see my mom as this addict  and someone who wasn't the best mom she could be and I know I am very guilty if this as well. I held onto a lot of resentment and anger towards her for so many years because I felt like I was robbed of a mom, I needed her and she never was there. Looking from her view I have better understanding now. I grown so much over the last few years. I learned to let go and accept people for who they are. I have never had to walk her path who the hell am I to judge anyone?
 So many people look at me before getting to know me and think I have this perfect little life. My life has been hell at times and I have been broken and damaged in so many ways. Yet it had made me the mother I am today and the person I am today I love harder than most, I have the ability to truly empathize with people who hurt , people who struggle with addiction will always have a soft spot in my heart. I truly believe I am a survivor in so many ways. I will never ever give up on this life and I will never give up on myself. I might not believe in myself as much as I should and I might have so super low self confidence but I am a work in progress and still have a lot of growing to do.
I guess the lesson here is to never judge. You never know someone's story and what they have had to over come to get to where they are even if they may not be where they want to be. I wouldn't trade this journey or my struggles for anything.  I am so grateful for meeting this sweet lady the other day. She brightened my day more than she will every know.


Sunday, July 27, 2014

A wild journey

Hi friends! So it has once again been a long time since I have blogged and wow
Do I miss it.
I happened to be going through old blog post the other day and I literally couldn't stop reading them. Blogging is such an amazing thing for me. Not only is It very therapeutic and basically my online journal/venting sessions but it also Holds memories and moments of feelings that are amazing to look back on.  Looking back on the posts that I wrote before Landon and I chose to move to Florida and after coming home were really hard for me to read.. It's crazy to see the change and I just thought to  myself how the hell did this happen? How did things get so bad so fast?  I am so grateful for those post, I never want to forget those moments and times in my life.  They were heartbreaking and difficult but it is also a reminder that life goes on... It can get better.  Reading about how hard life was when I first had Ellie and the sleepless nights and exhaustion.. When I had no money in the bank, no job, broken arm and no car..  When I was pregnant and mom Was in the ICU and was septic, when I truly thought I might lose her that time... Those lowest points where I had started to Lose faith and truly did not know what the future held. Those are the moments I am so thankful for. Those moments are the ones that I look back on and I remember what I learned and how far the kids and I have grown and come.  We now have out own apartment which we have lived in for almost a year now, I have a job as a LPN that I truly love even though it can be rough at times I Remember how there was a time when I would have done anything in the world and taken any job just to be making money again, I always always try to remind Myself of how bad things were and to always be grateful. Something that I am beyond proud of and that has been one of My goals for years now  was to go back to school and finish my RN... Well I finally was able to find a way to do that and started school three weeks ago!!

School is kicking my little booty and it has been an adjustment for both the kids and I but we are making it and we will make it because we have God pulling us through as well as some amazing people rooting for us ! I want more then anything to get through school and finally be someone these kids can be proud of and provide for them the best I can... I get up at 6:30am everyday of the week and study hours at night when they go to bed and I work wknds all for them.. This truly is all for
Them... I can't fail these kids.

Our journey has been hard as hell during some chapters but it also has been filled with love and happiness.. I honestly wouldn't change anything. Everything we have fine through and will probably continue to go through we will get through as a team and a family.. We won't give up
Because we now know we can get through anything!  If anything I hope this post can teach you to hold on.. If you feel like you have lost all faith just hold On for a little Bit longer.. It will get better!



Friday, April 25, 2014

TMI TAG!

 I am  YouTube junky and love watching daily vloggers and other youtubers. This TMI tag has been going around like crazy on YouTube but I decided to do it on my Blog instead of YouTube.  EnJOY and if you blog let me know if you do this tag I would love to read or watch yours.

QUESTIONS!
1: What are you wearing?  Lets be real.. My jammies.. Hot pink sweats and cArdS  T-shirt.

2: Ever been in love? Yes. Once.

3: Ever had a terrible breakup? Oh my word YES! two but the second was extremely hard to get through.

4: How tall are you? I would like to round up to 5' but truly I am 4'11"

5: How much do you weigh? 98lbs

6: Any tattoos?  Nope

7: Any piercings? my ears are double pierced. I had my belly button pierced and my tongue at one point in life.

8: OTP?  No Idea what this means...

9: Favourite show?  I have so many! my fac right now would have to be Jessie and Eric Game on!

10: Favourite bands? Rascal flatts

11: Something you miss? . Being in nursing school and working towards my dream

12: Favourite song? Healer-Kari Jobe

13: How old are you? 25

14: Zodiac sign?  LeO

15: Quality you look for in a partner? Kindness

16: Favourite Quote? You can do anything, But NOT everything. as a mom this is my fav

17: Favourite actor?  I honestly don't have one

18: Favourite color?  coral and teal, I cant pick just one and I love this combo together. my whole bedroom is based off these colors.

19: Loud music or soft? Soft

20: Where do you go when you're sad?  I like to turn on my worship music and read in bed.

21: How long does it take you to shower?  15 minutes or less

22: How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?  if I actually throw make up on and try to look somewhat alive and decent id say 45 minutes.

23: Ever been in a physical fight?  do siblings count? If so, yes. Many

24: Turn on?

25: Turn off? arrogance

26: The reason I joined Youtube? to document memories with my babies, its amazing to have a blog and videos to look back on and see how far you have grown . especially with the kids its great that they have this now to look back on. what an awesome gift. I also love the girls and mommies iv met through youtube and blogging.

27: Fears? the ocean.. right weird I know.

28: Last thing that made you cry? umm.... I haven't cried recently I don't think.

29: Last time you said you loved someone? just this morning. I tell my kids I love them a million times a day.

30: Meaning behind your Youtube Name? Lets change this to Blog name.. and its just my name lol

31: Last book you read?  Safe haven.. oh my gosh loved!!

32: The book you're currently reading? divergent

33: Last show you watched?  Resurrection

34: Last person you talked to?  do my kids count? Last adult/friend- Sara

35: The relationship between you and the person you last texted?  Best friend

36: Favourite food? hummus and wheat thins.

37: Place you want to visit? England

38: Last place you were?  Target. my happy place.

39: Do you have a crush? Nope

40: Last time you kissed someone?  hah... its been a while.

41: Last time you were insulted?  at work a few weeks ago. its the drama fest.

42: Favourite flavour of sweet? red starburts

43: What instruments do you play??  None.

44: Favourite piece of jewellery? my Pandora bracelet.  I had a dainty necklace with lees birth stone on it and a silver pendant with his name on it and lost it... I would love something like that again for both kids.

45: Last sport you played?  I haven't played sports in years... I was a cheerleader and gymnast growing up,

46: Last song you sang?  Coming Home by Jessie James Decker- my current fav

49: Last time you hung out with anyone?  Yesterday, went to Target and Panera with Sara and Isabella and of course Ellie. nice girls day.

50: Who should answer these questions next? anyone who would like too!!

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Easter 2014

Long time no BLOG. the usual with me. hope everyone had an amazing Easter. I wasn't able to spend Easter with my precious little babes because I had to work. I had a choice that day... to be  bummed out that I had to go to work at such a stressful job and miss yet another holiday with my kids and sacrifice  precious little memories and moments with them OR I could choose to be extremely grateful that I have the blessing of being able to go to work, I have health, a family who adores my children and can watch them while I work, and just the mere blessing of having a job that keeps the kids and I a float, and not homeless lol. I chose to be happy and thankful that I was blessed to be able to go to work that day and provide for them. I enjoyed many pics and face time with my babies. here are a few id love to share. The kids spent the day with my parents and the burgiss's who planned a wonderful dinner and an awesome Easter egg hunt along with a second Easter  basket for each of the kids. Thank you to my amazing family for always making my babies feel loved and so special.




Wednesday, July 3, 2013

It is NEVER to late to Heal

warning I am extremely emotional tonight so we can only expect a venting/crappy blog...first off I want to say THANK YOU! thank you to all of the amazing people who reached out with love and support for me and my family after watching the episode of Intervention.  It took a lot of courage for my family to throw our struggles out to the whole world to see. I did it in a last stitch effort to save my brother. I now know that whatever he chooses to do with his life and whatever road he travels I did everything I knew how to do to help him and save him.  NOONE can be saved unless they want it bad enough. One thing I truly believe in is the fact that YOU are in charge of your own life and your own happiness... it is up to you as a your own person to CHOOSE happiness...It is not about how you act in life, its about how you REACT.  This is coming from someone who has struggled with debilitating panic disorder and depression... I am a single mom who has had to put my dreams on hold to put my kids first and I have had to work my ass off and throw every need for myself away because these precious beautiful babies need ME. I couldn't even tell you who the hell I am anymore. I have watched my brother spiral out of control.. I have watched him make everyone lives around him pure hell, I have watched my mom nearly Die numerous times right in front of me... I have been in two relationships in my life that became extremely unhealthy... I have allowed others words to define me and to hurt me .. I have allowed people to convince me that my failure in life is becoming  a mother... NOT anymore.  I have been on this journey of renewing myself... finding who I am, who I want to stand for and what I want my kids to see.  I want to be a loving, calm. caring, and most of all a HAPPY person.  Everyday I wake up and I say "Today I am choosing HAPPINESS".  it is not easy let me tell yoU! Especially the last few days... I woke up to a txt msg saying I have 8 dollars in my acct. and lee had a fever and I had no medicine for him and was forced to ask my dad to buy it for him, Ellie was out of formula and I needed to refill her reflux meds.  Then later that day my mom suddenly collapsed and hit the floor so hard her arm was broken in two different bones and EMS were called, we were all so scared for her. Later that day I thought to myself  "here we go.. here is your test... are you going to choose happiness?" and you know what ... that is exactly what I did. I just thought "wow here I am so healthy and I have this amazing gift of being a mother... my mom is going to be OK Thank God.. and its going to be ok... it will ... it has to be ok". I held my kids a little tighter then usual and I prayed like crazy for my mom and my poor dad who is just barely hanging on as it is.  I came home cleaned the house like a bat shit crazy person and an amazing, loving, and kind friend of mine came by with formula for Ellie (so I didn't have to get my sleeping baby and Landon out in the pouring rain just to run to the store for formula.) and dinner for us. What an amazing blessing she was that day. she also rocked ellie after her bath so I could get lee a bath and ready for bed.. I cant tell you how grateful I am for her that day... I sure needed the company and the extra loving hand. Thank you sweet girl!  I laid in bed with my beautiful peaceful sleeping  babies and I finally was able to feel a glimpse of  peace again.  Those kids are my world.. my light and my saving grace.

This whole taking control of my life is something that has made me even stronger then I already am... It has allowed me to walk away from a horrible unhealthy relationship... it has taught me that the one who holds their tongue and the one who can ignore the hate and keep God strong in their heart... they are the strongest. It has forced me to stand up for myself and to really go after what I truly believe to be right in my heart and to choose my own path in life.  I have HOPE.  I know this isn't where I am supposed to be and I have faith that  God has an amazing plan for me and the kids... I have been through to much pain and hurt to give up now. It all has to be worth it someday right?

I have a plan and I have goals and dreams for us... I wont stop and I wont give up because we deserve the best.. we deserve a good life and by God I will make that happen because I am the only one who can do it. I will work a million hours a week if I have to but I will do it .. and I will get get through school... I will become an RN... it might take time ... but I am taking stepping stones towards that goal... right now my priorities are finding PEACE of mind in life... and truly putting these kids first. 

I have cut a few of people out of my life and some I will keep at a distance. I refuse to allow anyone who chooses to belittle me, verbally abuse me in any way, or cause me pain to have an ounce of me .  their words and thoughts are nothing to me.  I found this prayer in a book that I am obsessed with called "UNGLUED" and I literally  pray this daily:

 God, I’m so tired of being hurt. I’m so tired of feeling distracted and discouraged by this situation Pour Your lavish mercy on my heart and into this hard relationship. Help me to see the obvious hurt they must have in their life that makes them act this way. Help me to have compassion for their pain. Help me to see anything I’m doing or have done that has negatively affected this situation. And please help me to know how to separate myself graciously from this constant source of hurt in my life. It all feels impossible. Oh God, speak to me. Reveal clearly how I can best honor You, even in this.

That Is what I am going to leave you with tonight... have faith, choose happiness, and love with all your heart. NIGHT!

Monday, June 3, 2013

A day in the life- lazy Sunday :)


Hey guys, I saw a few mommy bloggers do "day in the life" post with pictures sink thought I'd go ahead and do one too :) here was our lazy/family Sunday.

7:30am- Ellie woke up for her 6:30am feeding and I finally got her back asleep at 7:30am. I usually have to lay her on my chest and pat her bum and she usually will fall asleep just like this. I soaked up some snuggle time and debated rather I should fall back asleep while both kids were asleep or get up and make me breakfast and drink my coffee and have some alone time.. I chose to eat and drink some coffee ...
 Miss Ellie slept until 10ish and mr. Lee slept until 11.. Yes lee sleeps in on the wknds a lot and he has been having some bad dreams and is up a lot the ought put the night as well :/ don't judge lol  
Here is Ellie before her 10:30am feeding and her big smiles with her full tummy after her feeding 
Happy girl..

 I rocked ellie back asleep around 11:30 and I made Landon some breakfast, cleaned bottles and mopped all the floors then sat down with lee and watched a movie.
Ellie had some tummy time when she woke up after her 1pm feeding. She isn't much of a fan of it to say the least.. Brother was there for moral support ;) 
Every Sunday we go to the Burgiss's for Sunday dinner. We have done this for nearly two years now and Landon looks forward to it every Sunday. We decided to grill out and lee got to help poppy start the grill ( he just rolled up balls of newspaper don't worry guys he wasn't near the fire). It was a gorgeous day out so while Ellie napped in her car seat Cynthia, gracyn, Landon, and I all hung out outside in the back yard and played. 
Gran has a basket of suckers and everytime we get to the house lee gets one lollipop.. Sometimes two ;) momma had to grab one too.  We grabbed some books and read stories and colored outside while poppy was grilling and gracyn played in her jump play thing. 
 
After dinner Ellie got pretty tired and fussy so while i fed her cynthia got  Landon  ready for bed in his super cute new jammies gran got him, and after about five " five more minutes mom please just five more minutes!!???" from landon we headed home around 9. 
 
It took my a while to get Ellie to sleep  but she finally fell asleep around11:00 and woke every 4 hours to eat. Landon fought going to bed but he was pretty exhausted and fell asleep around 10 which is pretty late for him but hey we do the best we can.  That is what we call a good night lol . 
I love Sundays and I love these little kiddos more then anything in this whole world. Hope you guys had a great weekend :)